Week 2: You've Got a Friend in Me...What I'm Up to

            This week proved to be hard for us all…myself included.  I have spent so much time thinking about all the things I challenged everyone to do, and honestly, I didn’t even know what I wanted to say about them.  Vices, forgiveness, and working out with others are not easy tasks for anyone to complete.  However, they are crucial to the process and help make the results that much better.  So here is how I completed (Week 2:  You have a friend in me).

     Physical Challenge:  Unfortunately, this week was one of my busiest weeks I've had in awhile.  Coordinating my schedule with other people's schedule was almost impossible.  This challenge will have to wait for a later time.  I did; however, spend some extra time walking with my buddy, Drevyn.  Drevyn is my dog.  He has been in my life since I was a Sophomore in college.  I don’t know what I would do without my 4-legged friend.

     Mental Challenge:  VICES!  Ugh!  Such a mean, dirty word.  They control us, but they don’t have to.  I have had so many over my life and am still fighting to give up the last few I still hold onto.  What I realized this week, as I was trying to figure out all of my vices, is that my biggest vice is me.  I’m no longer addicted to fast food and soda.  I am extremely proud of myself for overcoming those things, but I still hold me back from being the person I know I can be.  Every vice I could think of stemmed back to something

that I need to work on in myself.  I spent this week trying to surround myself with supportive friends and trying to do things that make me happy.  Overall, I was selfish this week and made myself a priority.  We need to do that from time to time.  It’s so easy to pour all of our energies into others, but what have we done for ourselves?  I try to ask myself everyday, “Stephen:  What have you done for you today?”  If I can’t answer that question, there’s a problem.  The biggest thing I did for myself last week was step onto the stage again.  My acting became secondary over the past several months, and it made me feel like something was missing in my life.  The stage is my home, and where I feel the most alive.  Having the opportunity to show others what I love to do made this week so successful for me.  I have a lot of healing that still needs to be done.  I truly believe that once I can bandage up a few more wounds, the rest will fall into place.

     Emotional Challenge:  When I started this challenge, I knew I was going to have to face some tough obstacles.  How could I expect it out of others if I couldn’t do it myself?  I knew I was going to have to be strong for everyone participating.  People were reaching out wanting help.  I wanted to be the one that helped them.  I wanted to be a beacon of light that helped create change.  I wanted others to know that they are not alone.  So when I made a challenge of forgiveness, I knew we would all be struggling together.  Forgiveness does not come overnight, but it can happen.  So here is my story….

            We are constantly surrounded with one person or another telling us to forgive.  It is vital for us to let go of painful pasts and move forward.  On May 6, 2013, when I stepped into that gym again, I knew that if this was going to work, I would have to find some way to let go, as well.  I felt like holding onto so much anger was only going to keep me from reaching my goals.

            So that’s what I did.  I made a mental note of every negative thing that had happened to me, and I began to say to myself every day, “I don’t hate you.  I thank you for helping to make me the strong person I am right now.”  Soon enough I found that my childhood bullies didn’t have power over me.  That kid that wrote, “Die.  Die.  Die.” on my science assignment, and then brought a gun to school soon after, didn’t scare me.  My first love that left me heartbroken didn’t crush me.  The family members that turned their backs on me when I needed them to understand me, didn’t hate me.  I actually began to see the love my family has for me again and our struggles brought us closer together.  I seemed to have it all figured out.  I was on the right path until a few months into the journey.

            Before I even began to truly enjoy the fruits of my labor, my life got turned upside-down.  Trusting is not easy for me.  I have been betrayed too many times.  I actually have a deep fear that I am replaceable to those around me and fight harder than most to keep my friendships.  However, I was in a good place, and I had found someone that had become my best friend.  This person brought out the best in me and I in them.  I had found someone that understood me, and I never thought would do anything to hurt me.  I was wrong.  In one fail swoop, this person kicked me to the ground.  I was left feeling worthless, used, and betrayed.  Everyday, I would fight to put a smile on my face and tell myself how awesome I am, but most days, it didn’t work.  I had invested so much in one person and then had everything slammed in my face.  I had listened to my heart and not my head.  I slowly felt myself slipping into a dark hole that I couldn’t get out of.  The only bit of light I saw came from my workouts.  I vowed that, no matter what, I would fight like hell to lose this weight.  So I kept working out.  I kept thinking that soon enough I would get back to normal, but it just wasn’t happening.  All my biggest fears and insecurities came to knock me in the face again.

 

            Now, in the middle of all this, I get a text from my first love saying that she always loved me.  One would think this would make me ecstatic, but it didn’t.  This text came 4 years later.  Why wasn’t I worth saying that to all those years ago?  Was my being so fat really what kept us apart?  Am I really just the guy you run to when there’s no one else?  All of these questions reeled through my head.  I began to feel even worse about myself.  I began to feel like I would always just be someone’s toy to use, throw out, and pick up again when there’s nothing else left. 

            Everything just seemed to keep piling up, and a few months ago I spiraled downwards faster than Justin Beiber.  I found myself becoming the person I didn’t want to be.  I began using others hoping that it would somehow make me feel wanted or better.  It did none of that.  I hurt others along the way, but the person I hurt the most was myself.  It wasn’t until last week that I had my moment where I said enough is enough”!  It’s time to stop the madness and get back to being you.  So that's what I'm trying to do.  I am so lucky that I have the friends I do.  I had reached a place so low that I just didn’t know what to do.  So I reached out to my closest friends and said that I need help.  I was prepared for them to run the other way but the opposite occurred.  They reached out their hands, picked me up, and said, “We got you.  Let’s ride.”  And boy have I taken them on a ride.  But they have stuck with me through it all.  I have tried to push them away and test their loyalty, but they are unwavering.  It’s because of them I’m strong enough to reach out my hand to each of you.      

            Do I have this forgiveness thing figured out?  I highly doubt it, but what I have learned is that forgiveness, to me, is opening your heart up so big that you can feel empathy and understanding for someone, even if you think they are trying to hurt you.  It’s taking the time to understand what may be going through their heads and not just thinking about what they did or said to you.  We all have baggage and that baggage can lead us to do some crazy things...even to those we love.  Whether big or small, we have all hurt someone and been hurt ourselves.  We have begged for forgiveness and been asked to give it.  My Grandma always told me, “Don’t go to bed with hate in your heart.”  I try really hard to live by that.

            If either one of the people I mentioned above, and they know who they are, ever happen to read this, I hope they know how much I love and respect both of them.  We can choose to cut people out of our lives, but in these cases, I want them in my life.  They need me and I need them.  I understand them and they understand me.  I also want to tell myself that I forgive you and will do everything I can to be the person I know you are.  I will become the best me I can possibly be, but I will still allow me to make mistakes along the way and be ok with that, too.  We all make mistakes, but I truly believe love conquers all.  Probably one reason why I like the "Harry Potter" books so much. 

     So with all of that being said, I’m climbing back out of that hole and lights are shining brighter each and every day, but now I’m climbing out a lot stronger, slimmer, confident, and sexier (I had to say it!) than ever before.  I will always have my hand out to help y’all.  Just put yours out and say those all powerful words, “Let’s ride!”  Keep working hard, supporting each other and spending more time understanding others and letting go of the hate.  I promise to do the same.  This challenge has made me excited again about working out and living a healthier life.  Your enthusiasm is contagious.  Let’s keep having fun and trying to bring sexy back!  On a side note:  my dog is snoring really loud right now.  I don’t know if I can forgive him for all of that.